Soul of Adoption

The following is a letter sent in support of Legislation S111 which is up for review next week in North Carolina:

Dear Senator Clodfelter,

I am writing to you today in response to proposed legislation S111 to allow adopted adults in the state of North Carolina access to their original birth certificates.   My experience is unique in that I am both an adoptee and a biological parent.  It is my sincere hope that you will support this legislation to allow adopted adults access to the information that every other citizen of North Carolina has.   I reunited with my biological family ten years ago, and my birth son two years ago, so I have no interest in this legislation passing for reunion purposes.  What I do find extremely prejudicial is that even now, after reunion, I am not allowed to have access to this document.   It may seem unimportant to non adopted persons, but to me it is a part of my identity and to be told at 36 years of age that an unknown clerk in an office can see it but I can not is beyond demeaning.

I would also like to share, that as a biological parent I never asked for, nor was promised confidentiality.  I was sent to a maternity home in 1987 where on several occasions’ news media, adoptive parents, and others looking to start maternity homes were introduced to us and given tours of the home.  The BBC filmed a documentary which I participated in and the PTL Show also did interviews with several of us and showed the interviews on their daytime show.  Relinquishment papers are not sealed until an adoption is finalized, if a child is not adopted then there is an open public record of the relinquishment.  There have been several cases of children being in foster care, unknown to the relinquishing parent, for years before being adopted.  So the alleged promise of confidentiality on behalf of the biological parent does not apply in those cases.

I would like to also point out that prior to the 1930’s adoption records were not sealed.  The original intention for sealing records was to protect the child from the stigma of illegitimacy.  We have experienced a social revolution in this country that no longer harbors negative stereotypes of illegitimacy.  Adopted persons are not viewed negatively because of their beginnings in this life.  It does not prevent them from attending prestigious schools, gaining successful employment, or impact their social standing in the community.  The original intent of sealing records reflected the social beliefs of the time (over 70 years ago) and our current laws should reflect the social beliefs of our time.  A quote from Marcy Axnes, adoption author, writes in Painful Lessons, Loving Bonds;

“If we didn’t find (adoption) so contemptible, so laced with shame, why would our laws be so vehemently constructed to protect everyone from the shame returning to their doorsteps?”

There is no shame in being adopted; most of us never feel a hint of shame until we attempt to access our original birth certificates.  At that point we are met with contempt and secrecy by state employees who have complete control of our information.   When we have adoptive mom on one arm, and birth mom on the other, and walk into the records office we are rebuffed.  Having both sides support our efforts to have access to our original birth information is not good enough for the state.  We must spend money on legal fees and take up valuable court time to attempt to have our records unsealed often without success.  The process of wanting to know is what is considered shameful today, not the origins of our beginning on this earth.

This is not an issue of finding people but an issue of adults having access to information that is readily available to every other citizen.  It should not matter why they want that information; the reasons are so varied I could not begin to cover them here.   Reunions occur everyday on daytime talk shows and through private investigators who charge thousands of dollars.  Keeping records sealed does not prevent reunions from happening, it just drives people underground.

The primary fact is that adopted persons are treated as perpetual children in regards to their birth information.  The majority of the general population believes adopted adults should have access to their original birth certificates.  I call upon you sir, to help enact a change, which would restore the inalienable right of adopted adults to have access to their original birth information.  Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Heather W
Charlotte, NC

Here are some links to more information regarding this issue:

http://www.finitesite.com/paceswny/articles/openrecords.pdf   Tim Burton an adoptive parent and reunited adoptee discusses the open records debate

http://www.oregon.gov/DHS/ph/chs/order/58update.shtml  The state of Oregon vital statistics information regarding Measure 58

http://www.txcare.org/surveyab/stats/adoptionrecord_ssl.html  Cornell University research regarding adoptive parents supporting open records

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/research/2006_11_birthparent_wellbeing.php  Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute report regarding safeguarding the rights and well-being of birth parents in the adoption process

It would be a wonderful world if there was a parenting book that gave all the answers on how to raise a child.  Unfortunately a book like that would run into many volumes and would be continually added to.  No two children are exactly the same and sometimes parenting isn’t that simple.  Nobody can be prepared for suddenly living with their relinquished child.

Since the 21st December 2006 my son has been living with me and my husband after two years and four months of reunion.  Two years of this was long distance as we live in England and my son was living in Canada as he was studying there.  My son had a variety of reasons for returning to England and going home to his (adoptive) parents wasn’t an option.

Despite having met my son a few times before he went to Canada and us keeping up contact during the time he was there it was still nerve wracking the thought of him living with us.  My husband and I don’t have other children so we don’t have the experience of parenting ourselves and my son is an adult (now aged 25) so it’s different to living with a child.  Spending time with nephews, nieces and friends children is different to living with a child or children full time.

The first few weeks were good as my son was settling in and it was over the Christmas and New year period.  We often joked it was like living with a church mouse as he was so quiet.  Since New Year reality has hit home and now we are having to set ground rules which I had hoped we wouldn’t have to do.  Whilst I may be my son’s mother and my husband his step father we didn’t raise him nor is he legally my son.  His adoptive mother is and always will be his mother but I cannot just be his friend.  This in itself creates a completely new concept in parenting.  Mutual respect needs to be in place and drawing a fine line on my role with him.  Most of the time this is fine but at times it can be difficult and thought has to put when certain issues are brought up.

At times I have had to be firm with my son over the way he talks to me and he hasn’t liked it when I have. At times I have thought I haven’t worded my views very well yet through discussions with others who have parented it’s quite normal for me to go through this.  It is easy to forget that young people can forget that they can be in the wrong at  times, I certainly wouldn’t admit when I was of a similar age to my son.  It is almopst scary to see him behave in a similar way to me.  I have started to tell my son more often that respect goes two ways so if he wants me to continue to respect him he has to show respect.  This is the one issue that I know does get through to him as he does expect me to respect him.

I had expected my son to be more helpful round the home as that is the impression he gave me from his upbringing.  He would help out a bit with his parentsand said he liked gardening.  I don’t expect him to much except keep his bedroom tidy and help with the washing up after meals.  He has done neither and he is the one who has to live in a messy bedroom so that is his problem.  Trying to get my son to washing up after meals is something I do have a bee in my bonnet about.  I often tease him about being sexist where helping out in the home is concerned as he insists that is “women’s work”.  However on a more serious note he isn’t the only one who works so therefore it wouldn’t hurt him to help out a bit more around the home.

Both my husband and I have both got to the stage that we both need to be firm with my son and how he behaves towards us.  We have both been very tolerant as we didn’t raise him yet on the other hand there does need to be some ground rules.  It has taken me time to accept that it is okay to expect certain behaviour from my son.  He wants to live he so it is only fair that he should pull his weight helping us keep the place tidy.

Parenting isn’t easy and to then live with a relinquished child adds it’s own set of problems but basic ground rules should still be put in place.  From my own experience I would advise it for any parent goining through this and getting the “rules” in as early as possible.  It all boils back down to mutual respect from both sides.

The first time I ever hear of the term birth mother was after I went into reunion with my son. It was a few weeks later when I joined up with adoption forums and immediately I felt uncomfortable with the term. I couldn’t explain why I felt like this I just didn’t like it at all.

With time I found out others didn’t like it much either but put up with it as it is the pc term to use for mothers like us. What did we all have in common? We have relinquished a child.

For those who understand the label yet haven’t relinquished a child it is considered an appropriate way to describe women who have. From a personal point of view I may as well be called a battery hen as that’s exactly how I feel when I here the term. Other arguments that can be used are that I am not a “baby breeder”, an “incubator” (for adoptive parents) and I certainly didn’t just give birth. After all what about the nine months leading up to labour and going through labour. Then of course there is the other issue that I DID NOT choose adoption for my son I was lied, pressured and coerced into this.

Over the past couple of years I have been told that it is disrespectful to adoptive parents to want to use an alternative term for myself. My response back each time is: where is the respect for me when others insist on using a term for me that I find offensive and disrespectful? Respect goes both ways.

I may not legally be a mother as I didn’t go on to have other children but the laws of nature tell me that I am. I can also argue that if a mother who relinquished a child earns the term birth mother then all mothers who have children should be called the same not just those who relinquished.

Terms are something I dislike intensely and only use when I have to so why can’t everybody be respectful of the term an individual prefers to use for them self.

I’ve heard this (or some variation) throughout my life, more times than I could ever count. I remember specific instances when this was said to me as a child. It was the standard response any time I mentioned anything about my adoption - to anyone.

This sentiment is supposed to be reassuring. It is supposed to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It does neither. If you are not an adoptee, think about how it would feel for someone to say that to you as a child about YOUR mother. Would you feel loved if your mother “gave you up”?

Here, let’s try something - get up from your computer, walk to wherever your child is right this minute, lean over them and say, “I can’t take care of you, but I love you so much, I’m going to give you away to someone who can.”

Did you do it? Did your child burst into tears? Did they look at you with horror? You know you didn’t get up and say that to your child and so do I. Why? Because you know damn well that saying such a thing to your child would hurt them, and it would hurt you to say it.

Go ahead, admit it, you’ll feel better.

As an adoptee, I have heard a laundry list of platitudes, cliches and one-liners which are designed to dictate how I am supposed to feel about my own adoption. I have been told, in no particular order:

• You’re so lucky.
• I wish I was adopted, my parents suck.
• You should be grateful, at least you’re not in an orphanage.
• How can you feel that way? Look at all the things your parents gave you!
• That’s so cool!
• Why would you want to search? They didn’t want you.
• You weren’t born, you were chosen. That makes you special.
• You should be happy someone wanted you.
• Why aren’t you more grateful?
• Tell your parents they can adopt me. I’d be grateful for all the cool stuff they have.
• Why do you care about her? She gave you away.
• Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Be grateful for what you’ve got.
• She didn’t want you then, why would she want you now?
• What’s wrong with you? You should just be thankful. There’s a lot of kids who don’t have a family.

Think I’m kidding? I’m not. Sadly enough.

I am 35 years old. I am a wife, a mother, a successful webmaster. I own and operate one of the largest cross-triad adoption support sites on the internet. You’re looking at it right now, reading this. I have a perfect marriage, a beautiful home, food in my pantry and a full tank of gas in my car. I am thankful for these things.

I am also adopted. I can never not BE adopted. Aside from being born, it is the event that most shaped how the rest of my life would unfold. I was born on one path, the path that involved my mom, then suddenly thrust down a new path - a path on which I would never see her again. For this, I am to be grateful, supposedly - and comforted by the idea that she “loved me enough” to - what? To never see me again? To never let me see her again? This is supposed to be a GOOD thing?

Tell me - would your son or daughter consider it a good thing if you sent them down a new path, one which did not include you?

So why should I consider it a good thing?

I have found my family. For that, I am thankful. Unfortunately, I must continue to mourn the loss of my mom - because she died 8 years before I found her. I have pictures of her. I have the memories of her my siblings share with me. I have touched things she touched. I have hugged people she hugged. I have been in homes she has been in. Walked the same path, spent time with the same people, held the same things.

But I cannot see her. I do not have memories of her. I cannot touch her. I cannot hug her. I cannot be in the same home with her. I cannot walk with her, spend time with her, hold her.

Did she love me enough to deprive me of those things? Do you really think that’s what went through her mind when she relinquished me? Was this truly what was best for me?

And for all this. For all this loss. For all this grief.

I should be thankful?

Would you be?