Soul of Adoption

What is Attachment?

Secure attachment is a process that normally develops in the first year of life. It occurs when an adult repeatedly meets a child’s physical and emotional needs. For example, when a baby is hungry and cries, a parent quickly responds by providing nourishing food. Likewise, when a baby wants physical and emotional contact, a parent holds and cuddles them and talks in soothing tones.

For the child it does not matter whether the caregiver is a parent, relative, or some other adult. What matters is that the child’s needs are quickly and lovingly met and that there is consistency in who is meeting their needs. As time goes on, the child will become more in tune to who is meeting their needs and will form an attachment to that person.

Attachment is a two-way relationship. Not only do children need to become attached to their parents, but parents also need to feel attached to their child.

Why is Attachment Important?

Secure attachment lays the foundation for a child to be trusting of others and self-confident. It is also how children first learn how to identify and cope with stress and with feelings such as fear and anger. Children who are securely attached to their parents will appear at ease, will show delight, and will turn to their parents when they want comfort. Secure attachment also provides a sense of security when interacting with others because the child knows that they can always go back to their parent if they need support or protection.

When Secure Attachment is Missing

Children who are not securely attached to their parents tend to avoid or resist relationships. Avoidance is seen when the child does not give any special attention to the parent. Any person will suffice to meet the child’s needs — the child does not make a distinction between parents and strangers. Resistance is seen when the child actively opposes the parent. The child may swing back and forth between wanting to be held by a parent and actively fighting against them.

In both cases, the child does not see the parent as a safe and trusted person. Because the child has no touchstone or safety net, it is harder for the child to venture out into the world. The child is likely to be more passive and less curious than other children. They may seem unsure of trying new things.

Fostering Attachment in International Adoption

When a child is adopted internationally, there is a critical transition in which the child must transfer their attachment from their previous caregiver to their adoptive parents. In short, it is a matter of recreating the attachment process. This occurs when the parents consistently meet the physical and emotional needs of their child. If a child has securely attached to their caregiver (foster family or orphanage workers), then they can transfer that attachment to the parents. The key to making the transfer is that it needs to be clear to the child who their parents are and that their parents will be there consistently to provide nurturance, comfort, and support.

In order to make this transfer, it is strongly recommended that adopted children be gradually introduced to extended family and friends. As excited as everyone will be to welcome the child home and as tempting as it is to throw a big party right away, this kind of activity can be confusing and overwhelming to the child. They may placidly let themselves be passed from one person to another. Parents may mistakenly think that this means they are comfortable already. However, their acceptance of the situation may well be because they do not have a sense of where they belong. Any adult can hold them because mom and dad are not yet preferred over anyone else.

For this reason, it is recommended that the new family keep activities low key for the first weeks home. Most importantly, mom and dad should be the only ones to provide for the child’s physical needs for the first month or so. Yes, Grandma and Grandpa raised their own children and know how to care for a child. However, at first it needs to be mom and dad who do the feeding, changing, bathing, soothing, etc.

Parenting During the Transition

During the transition time when the child is beginning to attach to mom and dad, it is important to parent with the transition in mind. In order to foster secure attachment, it may be necessary to do things differently in the short-term than in the long-term. A few recommendations are:

· Do not use a babysitter for the first couple of months your child is home. The parents should be providing all of the basic care.

· Do not let your child “cry it out.” Sleep disruptions are common when a child first comes home. After all, their whole universe has turned upside down. Although you may let your child cry in the future, during the transition it is important that they know that you will be there to comfort them.

· Don’t let your child feed himself, even if he can hold the bottle or manage the spoon. It needs to be clear that you are the one meeting his needs when he is hungry. Feeding time is also a great chance for one-on-one time and eye contact.

· Play in ways that foster attachment. Any games that promote eye contact and in which your child must rely on you are good. Some fun attachment activities include: playing in a swimming pool where your child must hold onto you; give your child a laminated picture of the family that they can carry around with them; play peek-a-boo; put a sticker on your face and have your child remove it and put it back on; fill your cheeks with air and have your child “pop” them; mirror one another’s expressions; play hide-and-seek; give your child a ride on a pillow by dragging them across the floor; rock your child to sleep.

What About Family and Friends?

During the transition, family and friends may feel a little left out. Grandparents, especially, may not be able to spend as much time with their new grandchild or dote on them as much as they would like. This is temporary. Remember: the goal is for the new child to securely attach to their parents. Once that happens, then you will be able to see them, take them on outings, babysit, etc. to your heart’s content! Until then, visits will need to be short.

If you want to help the new parents there are many things you can do:

· Make meals, package them in freezer containers, and deliver them to the new family

· Go grocery shopping and run errands

· Offer to clean the house, do the laundry, wash the car, mow the lawn, etc.

· Help address and stuff envelopes to mail out homecoming announcements

· Be the contact person to share news and updates with other family and friends

References:

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft, Mary Hopkins-Best (1997)

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents, by Deborah D. Gray (2002)

When we first decided to adopt, I was blind to what really happens in adoption. Your focus is so much on the dream of becoming a parent that you do not see things that might otherwise be red flags into what is good or what is right or what is fair.

First and foremost, I want to say that I am an adoptive mother to two absolutely precious little girls from Guatemala. I would not trade my little girls for anything and I have made it a point to love them and to put myself in their shoes with regard to how they may see their lives as adoptees.

To me, as an adoptive mother, I cannot be blind to the fact that my children are adopted. I think, so many times, adoptive parents get caught up so much in the fact that they will become a parent, they deny or push aside the fact that their child will be different. Very quickly after my girls came home, I began to research and I am so thrilled that I learned stories from adoptees and mothers who relinguished their child. We are all a part of adoption and the more I educate myself and the more I learn about the feelings my children may experience, the better mother I will be in helping them reconcile who they are.

In learning about adoption, I have found there are so many holes in the system and all of us are getting hurt by it. You may be an adoptive parent and you may think that your child is “yours” and you do not have to think about their adoption journey. But, our world is changing and as long as adoption is in the limelight with celebrity trends and as long as adoption is the most unregulated highest profit industry in the U.S., we are all going to be hurt by it. Mothers have attorneys standing at the foot of their beds to pressure them into signing their child away. Attorneys and agencies send brochures to high schools preying upon young girls who fear telling their parents they are pregnant. Do we really want to take babies or do we want to become mothers through ethical, happy means? How would I explain to my children that I knew their first mother was coerced? That was not the case, as far as I know with my children, but I’ve met countless incredibly wonderful women who did go through that. Think of how much you love your child and think of how hard it would be if they were taken from you. That is how many mothers who have lost their child to adoption feel.

As adoptive parents, how many hoops did we jump through and how much money did we pay out? Who did it go to? How much profit was made at the cost of our deepest desire? What does the industry do to make sure there is a supply of babies combined with nickle and diming potential adoptive parents to death? How many facilitators have any interaction with parents and children after an adoption is complete?

We must realize that our children are the adoptees of tomorrow and how adoption is perceived in our community is how our children will perceive a part of who they are. In my opinion, there is no threat for adoptive parents to become involved in reform. I think the majority of us wanted to be parents, but I hardly think many would adopt when they knew there was unethical practices involved. As I continue to post on this blog, I welcome questions, feedback and your thoughts with regard to adoptive parents supporting reform. I adore my two little girls and I also adore the mothers and adoptees that I have met through my education. I know I will be a better mother because I’ve taken the time to educate myself on what my children may experience.

Taken from a discussion on our forums:
Often on adoption forums, I read an aparent say “I just don’t want adoption to define my kids”.  Or, in a more hostile tone, sometimes I see “Why do you let adoption define you?”.

I want to talk about this, and see if I can explain my thinking about adoption better, but also how my adoptee ears hear that statement or question.  First how I hear it, because that’s easier, lol…

When someone asks why I “let” adoption define me, it feels hostile to me.  It feels like it’s saying that first of all, I’m just choosing to look at the negative side of things.  And it feels like it implies I am painting (deliberately I guess) a role for myself that is just not necessary.  It feels dismissive of my reality, and it’s a reality I’m not all that unhappy with (more below, lol), so that kind of bothers me.  It’s kind of like the “angry adoptee” statements in terms of how I react to it emotionally.

When I hear an aparent say “I don’t want adoption to define my kids” my reaction to it is different.   And this probably is greatly influenced by being a child of the closed era, where parents generally tried to avoid talking or thinking about adoption as much as possible, with all the problems (in my own opinion) that often caused.  I hear those words and I hear more like “I don’t want adoption to be a big deal”, “I don’t want us to really have to think about or talk about adoption, except to give the facts.”  and, understandably (to me) “Please, dear God, don’t let my child suffer or feel bad things, or have problems related to this.”  and its corollary out of self-protection and love, “Please let me believe that if I do it all right, and am a great Mommy or Daddy, that none of this will be an issue for my kids.”

But here’s the thing for me — adoption DOES define me.  And it was more difficult for me precisely because I KNEW at the core of my being, that my parents didn’t want me to talk about it, think about it, feel about it.  Those were frankly pretty much the hardest parts for me then, and still are high on the list of things that hurt or are hard.

Why do I say adoption defines me?  I know many adoptees would not agree.  To me it just IS.  It defines me in the same way (though to differing degrees) that I’m defined by my race, by being raised in a two-parent home, by being raised in a middle-class family, by my religious background, by my other life experiences (college, relationships, places I’ve lived, people who have touched me).  Those things all come together and shape me into the person that I am.  And adoption was a biggie.  It gave me a different ethnic heritage, physical characteristics, holes in my history, different thoughts to grapple with, emotions to sort through, things to wonder about, questions to answer (or choose not to ask in some cases).  Those thoughts and feelings shaped me.

Having been shaped by them doesn’t make it bad.  In saying adoption is a big part of who I am, I am not saying that I am flawed, deeply scarred, or that I wish I had never been adopted.  In fact, I’ve gone to great pains on the board to say that I have NEVER wished I hadn’t been adopted.  It’s hard for me to even formulate that notion - it’d be like saying I wish I wasn’t born in the US, or born of my race, or that my parents hadn’t been my parents, or that I hadn’t grown up where I did.  I’m pretty content with my life - and accepting all of what went into making me, well, ME, seems pretty natural.   But ignoring the role that adoption played ignores a big part of what shaped me into who I am.  It shaped my relationships, my emotions, my thoughts, my family dynamics, probably even my view about my stepkids, my own kids, heck, even whether I could even give away my daughter’s doggie that I dislike a wee bit (in a way too complicated to explain at the moment, but probably pretty interesting for me to look at, lol).

Recognizing that adoption shaped me doesn’t mean that I think it’s all bad.  Saying that there were some things that could have been better or easier doesn’t mean that I think all adoptees are going to suffer agonies, or even that I think all adoptees will think or see things the way I do.  And certainly saying there are challenges that are a bit bigger for an adoptee, or simply just different, does not mean that I think they’re either insurrmountable, or that I think my parents sucked.

And you know what?  I can even say that I think in a perfect world there would be no adoption, because there would be no infertility, no unplanned and unwanted pregnancies, and no crushing poverty, without it making me anti-adoption, or meaning that I wish my life was different.  It’s not a perfect world, and even the huge idealist that I am, I don’t believe it ever will be.  Something doesn’t have to be perfect to be ok though, and to end up with kids that are happy.

Adoption does define me.  So does being the daughter of my parents.  So does having lived in Nepal for 5 years.  So does many, many other things, some more so than others, some just differently than others.  It’s not the only thing that defines me.  But acting as if it wasn’t an important part in making me, ME, and an integral part of my thoughts and feelings about myself, the world, my family, just life, is, well, not true in my experience.  And in doing so, I fear it leads to kids being afraid to really look at their own experiences, thoughts, emotions, doubts, fears, because it may be interpreted as being flawed, or unhappy, or simply wishing they had different parents.

All of what I just said doesn’t mean I’d change a thing about being adopted.  But I hope that maybe, just maybe, some of the adoptee voices can help a wee little bit, smooth the road for others, by helping parents understand some of what many of us think and feel, but sometimes can’t say.  Maybe.  If people don’t discount our words or put us into little boxes and decide we have nothing of any relevance to share, however nuanced it may be, because we must be (fill in the blank).