It would be a wonderful world if there was a parenting book that gave all the answers on how to raise a child. Unfortunately a book like that would run into many volumes and would be continually added to. No two children are exactly the same and sometimes parenting isn’t that simple. Nobody can be prepared for suddenly living with their relinquished child.
Since the 21st December 2006 my son has been living with me and my husband after two years and four months of reunion. Two years of this was long distance as we live in England and my son was living in Canada as he was studying there. My son had a variety of reasons for returning to England and going home to his (adoptive) parents wasn’t an option.
Despite having met my son a few times before he went to Canada and us keeping up contact during the time he was there it was still nerve wracking the thought of him living with us. My husband and I don’t have other children so we don’t have the experience of parenting ourselves and my son is an adult (now aged 25) so it’s different to living with a child. Spending time with nephews, nieces and friends children is different to living with a child or children full time.
The first few weeks were good as my son was settling in and it was over the Christmas and New year period. We often joked it was like living with a church mouse as he was so quiet. Since New Year reality has hit home and now we are having to set ground rules which I had hoped we wouldn’t have to do. Whilst I may be my son’s mother and my husband his step father we didn’t raise him nor is he legally my son. His adoptive mother is and always will be his mother but I cannot just be his friend. This in itself creates a completely new concept in parenting. Mutual respect needs to be in place and drawing a fine line on my role with him. Most of the time this is fine but at times it can be difficult and thought has to put when certain issues are brought up.
At times I have had to be firm with my son over the way he talks to me and he hasn’t liked it when I have. At times I have thought I haven’t worded my views very well yet through discussions with others who have parented it’s quite normal for me to go through this. It is easy to forget that young people can forget that they can be in the wrong at times, I certainly wouldn’t admit when I was of a similar age to my son. It is almopst scary to see him behave in a similar way to me. I have started to tell my son more often that respect goes two ways so if he wants me to continue to respect him he has to show respect. This is the one issue that I know does get through to him as he does expect me to respect him.
I had expected my son to be more helpful round the home as that is the impression he gave me from his upbringing. He would help out a bit with his parentsand said he liked gardening. I don’t expect him to much except keep his bedroom tidy and help with the washing up after meals. He has done neither and he is the one who has to live in a messy bedroom so that is his problem. Trying to get my son to washing up after meals is something I do have a bee in my bonnet about. I often tease him about being sexist where helping out in the home is concerned as he insists that is “women’s work”. However on a more serious note he isn’t the only one who works so therefore it wouldn’t hurt him to help out a bit more around the home.
Both my husband and I have both got to the stage that we both need to be firm with my son and how he behaves towards us. We have both been very tolerant as we didn’t raise him yet on the other hand there does need to be some ground rules. It has taken me time to accept that it is okay to expect certain behaviour from my son. He wants to live he so it is only fair that he should pull his weight helping us keep the place tidy.
Parenting isn’t easy and to then live with a relinquished child adds it’s own set of problems but basic ground rules should still be put in place. From my own experience I would advise it for any parent goining through this and getting the “rules” in as early as possible. It all boils back down to mutual respect from both sides.
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